Tony Abbott

14^th April 2014

The Hon. Tony Abbott MP

PO Box 6022

House of Representatives

Parliament House

Canberra

ACT 2600

               

Dear Mr Abbott,

                Hello. I just wanted to write and say “Hello”, because I’ve heard all the horrible stuff that people say about you on the news. I think it must be hard. I don’t think people realise that your job is really hard. They probably don’t see all the emails you have to send, and all the phone calls to head office you make, and they probably never realise that even you have to fill up the urn in the coffee station every now and then.

                I imagine being Prime Minister is a lot like being Arsene Wenger. When Arsenal are doing well, it’s because the strikers are in form, or the opposition are completely inept. But when they’re doing badly, it’s because Wenger is a dick. It isn’t fair, really. Don’t worry though; there’ll probably be a March to have him fired soon, if he loses the FA Cup final.

                I think one of the key problems you’re having is people not liking your immigration policy. You’re probably quite stressed about this, but you needn’t be. I can think of another time that an unfairly disrespected leader was confronted by the threat of foreign invasion, only to rise up against his critics. It was in a movie called ‘Independence Day’. I know it’s just a movie, and you probably think it’s silly to take lessons from it, but if Bill Shorten can quote The Simpsons to not-quite prove a point, then surely you can take advice from one of the top selling movies of all time.

                The Independence Day President was having a bad time before that mothership arrived. But with really good bravery, he brought together the entire world. Below, I’ve made a three-point plan (I know how much you like plans presented in point form) that I think will make you as successful and celebrated as Bill Pullman (the man who played the Independence Day President).

1.       Be a war hero. The Independence Day President was an aircraft pilot in the air force. People thought he was a national hero. While learning to fly an RAAF plane is probably going to take a lot longer than your first term, you could probably just hang onto the back of one of those drones you brought from the US. If not, I’m sure you could join the Army Reserve in a non-combat role such as ‘Caterer’ or ‘Bard’ and people will still think you’re nice.

2.       Make friends with a minority. Part of the reason that Independence Day President was victorious was because of some help he received from a black man and a Jewish man. It might be worth including a non-white person in your cabinet to back you up. Julie Bishop doesn’t count by the way, because I checked with a mathematician and he explained that women aren’t technically a minority outside of the Coalition.

3.       Become a martyr. At the end of the movie, the foreign invasion is ultimately defeated when a crop-duster guy destroys the mothership via kamikaze attack. I’d suggest, at the end of your first term, you hang onto another drone and have it plunge headfirst into an incoming refugee boat, sacrificing your life for the greater good. I think this is your best chance for re-election.

I really hope this advice helps. I’m obviously not very good at politics, which is why I’m not one but I think I am nice. I think you must be nice because you have a nice looking family and stuff, and Joe Hockey seems to like you, and he’s on Sunrise sometimes so he must be nice too. And if you weren’t the best man for the job, why would most of the newspapers say that you are? I think you’re going to be okay.

 P.S. Could I have $900? The last guy gave me $900.

                Warmest regards.

                Tom

               

Karl Stefanovic

Friday April 4^th 2014

Karl Stefanovic

Today Show

PO Box 27

Willoughby

NSW 2068

               

Dear Karl,

I’m really upset, Karl. I’ll tell you why.

I send lots of letters to celebrities. I say nice stuff to them, like “Keep up the good work”, and “You’re the best”, and “Sam Armytage doesn’t have shit on you”, and stuff. I put a lot of thought and effort into writing to my idols. But you know what? Not a single one has replied.

I know, right? Like, they don’t have time to sit down and write a nice little message to make somebody’s world a bit brighter, like I do four or five times a day? It really sucks.

So what I thought was, I’ll Google “Nicest Man in Australia” and send a letter to them. Surely they’ll respond. Otherwise, they’ll not be the nicest man in Australia, and then I can at least write a letter to Google asking them to alter the search results.

Anyway, your name didn’t come up. If you type in “Nicest Man in Australia”, it comes up with the Good Guys website. I don’t see the point of sending a letter to them, because I don’t know which of them would end up reading it. It would be difficult to make it personal, and I imagine all they’re interested in talking about is whitegoods.

But my Mum likes you. She thinks you’re alright, and my Mum’s a pretty good judge of character. So I thought, “I know. I’ll send a letter to Karl Stefanovic from Channel Nine. He’ll definitely write back. That’s probably why he gets all the Logies”.

I realise that you’re probably busy a lot of the time, so I’ve made this as easy as possible. As well as including a self-addressed pre-paid envelope, I’ve even written most of your response for you on the second page of this letter. All you have to do is fill in the blank lines, stick it in the envelope, and give it to one of your slaves to post. It couldn’t be any easier, unless I turned up to your work to receive it (which I’m more than willing to do).

Kochie didn’t reply. This is your chance to knock him off his pedestal.

                Warmest regards.

                Tom

-----------------------------------------------------

Date: ________________

144 Gordon St,

Footscray

VIC 3011

Dear Tom,

Thank you for your letter. I get millions of letters a week, but yours stood out as the best. I really like the way you _____________________________________________________________.

Thank you for mentioning the Logies I won. I’m very proud of them. It’s very hard to win a Logie. Only a few people manage to do it each year. Having said that, I’d happily trade my Logie with you in exchange for ___________________________________________________________.

You also mentioned my arch nemesis, Dave Koch from Sunrise. I think he is a __________.

I better be off. I’ve got to think up some jokes for the show to make my co-host feel ______________. I’ve really enjoyed communicating with you. It’s nice to get fan mail. I hope this response makes you feel warm and fuzzy on the inside.  As a special treat, I’ve drawn a picture in the box below of what I think you might look like. 

That’ll be worth a lot someday. Make sure you get it laminated and keep it in the drawer by your bed so you can show your Mum when she visits.

Warmest regards,

Karl Stefanovic, Famous Man.

Adam Bandt MP

Friday April 4^th 2014

The Hon. Adam Bandt MP

280 King Street

Melbourne

VIC 3000

               

Dear Adam,

Hello. I recently sent a letter to David Feeney (He likes politics like you do). I found it very strange that he is the elected Member for Batman, and also the Shadow Minister for Justice. I thought to myself, “Well. David Feeney is clearly Batman”. I sent him a letter telling him that I now know this.

But then it got me thinking. “That’s too obvious,” I thought. If he really was the Batman, he’d have a far more clever disguise, much like Bruce Wayne has. And David Feeney, with all due respect, doesn’t look like he could be a Batman. If anything, he’d be better off as Alfred.

Speaking of Alfred, isn’t it funny how Michael Caine talks? How he says ‘Da’ instead of ‘The’. It’s because he’s a cockney from London. But I think you know what I’m getting at here.

The original Batman was called Adam West. Your first name is Adam. You also grew up in Adelaide, which is west of Melbourne, your electorate. Some people might think that’s just a coincidence, but I’ve done some digging around.

Bruce Wayne is famously a misunderstood humanitarian, with his company sponsoring orphanages and stuff. You’re part of the Greens, which is an entire organisation of humanitarians that a lot of people don’t understand. It all adds up.

Again, you’re probably going to shrug all this off and say, “It’s just a coincidence”, but as Commissioner Gordon said to Joseph “Not-Commissioner” Gordon-Levitt in Batman 3 “Coincidences aren’t real” (it wasn’t exactly that, but I don’t have the internet so I can’t look it up).

I put it to you, Adam Bandt, that you must be the Batman. “How does he know this?” you might ask. Well, I worked out your little code. Amongst all the other evidence, I worked out that your name is an anagram of ‘Da Batman’, which is exactly how Michael Caine would pronounce it! It doesn’t even make sense that you have a T after a D! That was the giveaway! You dropped the ball, Bandt! Or should I say, BRUCE WAYNE.

It’s okay though. I realise that Batman is a force for good and the city (Melbourne) needs you. It’ll be our little secret for now. Just don’t turn to the dark side, or I’ll have to tell the press.

Also, does this mean that Tony Abbott is Bane?

                Warmest regards.

                Tom

David Feeney MP

Tuesday 25th, March 2014

The Hon. David Feeney MP

PO Box 6022

House of Representatives

Parliament House

Canberra

ACT 2600

               

Dear David,

Congratulations on your recent appointment as the Shadow Minister for Justice. It must be nice to have the greatest job title in the world. As well as the fact that you’re also the Member for the seat of Batman, I'm pretty sure that people all over the world are now calling you the hero that North Melbourne deserves.

The Batman movies made lots of money. I’ve seen them all, they’re very good. If you haven’t seen them, you should. Then you’ll start to get a lot of the Batman jokes people make. Obviously, people really relate to the Batman movies. People say that they’re the best comic-book movies ever. I don’t really agree with that though, because I preferred ‘Garfield’.

Labor are a lot like the Batman. They’re trying to do good stuff deep down, but I guess they have to pretend to be bad on the outside, a lot like Bruce Wayne, so people won’t know that they’re the Batman. I understand though. Letting the Liberals win is a bit like the bit where Bruce Wayne goes to prison in Tibet, right? You should really watch the Batman movies so you know what I’m talking about.

It might help your chances at the next election to bring in an actual Batman. You would need to appoint a member of the shadow ministry to be the Batman, and there’d be like, a Bat-Tax to pay for all his equipment, and he’d stalk the streets at night defending justice. It would probably need to be Stephen Conroy, because he looks like the only person who’d be quite comfortable punching somebody.

You probably think it’s a silly idea, but look how well the Republicans did when they gave California its own Terminator, and Detroit are getting a Robocop statue. It makes sense that Batman gets a Batman.

I like how the voice when the train stops at Batman station pronounces Batman the same way that Michael Caine pronounces Batman in the Batman movies. You’ll understand what I mean when you watch the movies.

                Warmest regards.

                Tom

Shannon Noll*

Thursday 20th, March 2014

Shannon Noll

The Harbour Agency Pty. Ltd.

135 Forbes St

Woolloomooloo

NSW 2011

               

Dear Shannon ‘Millsy’ Noll,

                Hello. I hope you’re well, Shannon. I haven’t heard anything about you in a long time. The other day, I was listening to ‘Shine’, and I got to the bit where it goes, “This is the new National Anthem”, and I suddenly thought, “Hold up. What’s happened to Shannon?” It’s like, you’re anonymous now, but not quite totally anonymous, because I still hear you on the radio. I call this ‘Shannonymous’™.

                Do you still keep in touch with Ian ‘Dicko’ Dickson from Australian Idol? I met him once at a bookshop in Hawthorn. He was reading a book, but he never bought it. That’s a bit like stealing, I think. Stealing words. Because he probably still remembers them, even though he didn’t pay for them. Unless he immediately forgot them the second he walked out of shop. Then the whole matter would be ‘Noll and void’™. Next time you see him, say ‘Hey Dicko’, from me. It’s an in-joke.

                It must be really hard for Guy Sebastian, because his name is a word. Did you know he did a tour with Boyzone? Isn’t that funny? “Why’s that funny?” I hear you ask. Well, Shannoll™, it’s funny because ‘boy’ means ‘a male’ and a ‘zone’ is a place, and ‘Guy’ means ‘a male’ and ‘a bastion’ is a place. It was the ‘Male Place’ tour. Isn’t that funny? Nobody else noticed that. I did though, because I have lots of time. They could have performed at the ‘Gentleman’s Gallery’ on King St, once all the girls were finished for the night.

                Speaking of ‘Shine’, and that line that says, “This is the new national anthem”; Does it make you annoyed that it didn’t become the new national anthem? I like that song a lot. I certainly prefer it to the national anthem. Was that a clever marketing idea to try and get you steady work singing at the start of football games? It didn’t work, which is a shame. It must be a bit like how the Sex Pistols tried to rewrite ‘God Save the Queen’ and that didn’t catch on.

                Were you the Idol person who banged Nicole Ritchie? Or was it Paris Hilton? One of those two. I think it was Nicole Ritchie. Was she nice? I think she’d be nice. It was nice of you to bang her. Hey, you should do a collaboration with Lionel Ritchie. A musical one I mean, because I guess, if you did sleep with his daughter, then in a way you already have.

                Nighty-night.

                Warmest regards.

                Tom

Samantha Armytage

Monday 17^th, March 2014

Sunrise

Channel 7

PO Box 777

Pyrmont

NSW 2009

               

Dear Sam,

                Hello. My name’s Tom. How good are you at beach volleyball? Like, one a scale of one to ten, with ten being ‘exceptionally good at volleyball’ and one being ‘probably better suited to a data entry role’.

                It probably seems like a really odd question, but it’s related to a conversation I’m currently having with your co-host, Dave Koch. See, I asked Dave Koch (I call him Dave, because we’re on those terms now) who he’d take, out of his co-hosts, if he were stranded on a desert island. He hasn’t responded yet, obviously because we need to establish whether or not you’re good at beach volleyball.

                See, what it is, is that he might take the guy who does all the sports stories, but only so he can play beach volleyball with him to stay fit. I think I saw a movie once where a guy got to go to a desert island, and all he had was a volley ball, so I think it’s like a package thing.

                Anyway, Dave Koch would obviously have a lot of spare time on the island, and even though we’ve agreed that you’re certainly far more pretty than the sports guy, maybe Dave Koch would prefer somebody who he could pass the time with, once he’s finally come to terms with the fact that nothing is going to happen between you and him.

                I’ve included a self-addressed envelope so you’ll be able fill-out the below questionnaire to return to me, and we can finally put to rest this whole, rotten affair once and for all.

                Warmest regards,

                Tom

Question : How good are you at beach volleyball?

Answer (200-300 words): ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

SIGNED:_________________________________

                

David Koch

Monday 17^th, March 2014

Sunrise

Channel 7

PO Box 777

Pyrmont

NSW 2009

               

Dear Mr Koch,

                Hello. My name’s Tom. Why does Sunrise have to be on so early? I really want to watch it, but I always miss it because it starts too early. You should get them to put it back, so more people would watch it. That’s why so many people watch football, because of the time. They probably used to play football at 6am as well, but then changed it because none of the players turned up.

               

                You must be really tired all the time. If I have to get up early in the morning, I’m usually very tired by about five o’clock, and I miss Hot Seat. Are you and Eddie MacGuire rivals? Who do you reckon would win in a quiz between you two?   I guess, probably him, because his quiz has more questions than your Cash Cow quiz.

                If you were stranded on a desert island and you could only take one of your co-hosts with you, who would you choose? Sam’s probably the prettiest, but it would also be useful to have that sports guy so you’d have somebody to play beach volleyball with. Unless Sam can also play beach volleyball. I don’t know. I’ll probably write a letter to her and ask if she is any good at beach volley ball.

                Anyway, I better go, because it’s 8pm at night, and you’ve probably got to wake up really early in the morning. Oh! But first, I have a joke you can use for joke book. It goes like this, “What’s the most sincere way to hem the legs of trousers? The Ernest Hemingway”.  Ha ha ha. I’m always laughing at that joke. That’s partly why I got expelled.

                Warmest regards,

                Tom

Shaun Micallef

Monday 17^th, March 2014

Shaun’s Desk

Australian Broadcasting Corporation

GPO Box 9994

Sydney NSW 2001

               

Dear Shaun Micallef,

                Hello. You’re really funny. I think you’re the funniest man in Australia, even more so than Belvedere. I really like your TV show, Newstopia, but some of the references are hard to understand now. I also really like all those jokes you made about Iced Vovos back in the early ‘00s. They were funny, and at the same time really important, because it reminded people that Iced Vovos are still out there.

                You and David Wenham were both in Seachange, but only David has gone on to star in films. I saw him in 300. He was great, but I think you’re just as good as him. I think it must be your agent.  Below is the address of David’s agent, should you need it;

Shanahan Management Pty Ltd.
Level 3 Berman House
91 Campbell St
Surry Hills, NSW 2010

                The only problem is, whenever I see David Wenham in something that isn’t Seachange, I can’t forget about him in Seachange. I tried to enjoy 300, but it made no sense to me why Diver Dan would be at war because he was so nice in Seachange. And most of the stuff he’s in these days isn’t Seachange. So it’s really hard. Maybe if I watch 300 lots, I’ll forget about Diver Dan. But then, if I go back and watch Seachange, I’ll think “Where did Dilios’ six-pack go?” It’s lose-lose. Maybe it’s better you stay with TV.

                Lots of people say you are a renaissance man. Do you worry that this might make you more susceptible to Flux? I had to learn about renaissance at school. It seemed pretty horrible. People died and stuff. But then there were some really nice pictures. I like Rembrant, because of all the nuddy chicks. It’s hard remembering all the stuff about history because it’s already happened and it isn’t really interesting anymore. I prefer just to think about modern stuff like the space race and Blu-Ray. It’s not as complicated. But then, they did say that the first year of a Bachelor of Journalism is the hardest.

                Hey, what is Josh Thomas?

                 

                Thanks for taking time to read this. I really enjoy watching your TV shows. Mad as Hell is really funny. Do you think your hair will ever get any whiter, or is it peaking?

Warm Regards,

Tom

Ray Meagher

Monday 17^th, March 2014

Home and Away.

Seven Network

Mobs Lane, Epping

NSW 2121

               

Dear Ray Meagher,

               

                 Hello. You’re my favourite Neighbours character. You played Alf. I think you do a really good job, but you’re very angry all the time. Doctors say that being angry is bad for you, because it’s bad for your heart and stuff. I know you’re only pretending to be angry, but do you think it’s still bad for your health? ‘Cause if your heart doesn’t know that you’re acting, it’s probably going to still work in overdrive anyway. Maybe you should act less good so your heart doesn’t get confused. Unless you’re acting ‘from the heart’, in which case it may be already too late.

                Do you think if you were in movies and stuff, people would be able to forget that you’re Alf? I wrote to David Wenham earlier and told him about how everyone still thinks he’s Diver Dan. I told him about how I saw 300 the other day, and I couldn’t believe that he wasn’t Diver Dan.

                Do you still keep in touch with Donald Fisher? If so, why?

                You were in that Snickers advert. Did it take you a long time to learn how to ride the BMX? You should ride a BMX in Home and Away. You could use it to get to work at the Caravan Park every day.

                The website said if I sent you an envelope, I could get your autograph signed onto a photo. I’ll put one in the envelope. My grandma is coming over from England in a few months time. She’ll love that. Home and Away is still pretty big over there.

Why aren’t you proud of your Logie. You should carry it around in the show. Who gets to keep your Logie when you’re done with it? Do you rub it in Donald Fisher’s face whenever you meet up with him? Don’t worry, he hasn’t been in movies either.

Can you send me a Snickers?

Warm regards,

Tom

                

David Wenham

Monday 17^th, March 2014

Shanahan Management Pty Ltd.

Level 3 Berman House

91 Campbell St

Surry Hills, NSW 2010

               

Dear Dave Wenham,

               

                I saw 300: Rise of an Empire the other day. I thought you were really good in it, although I was sorry to see that your eye was still hurt from the last movie. I guess they didn’t have doctors and stuff back in the year 300.

                I thought the movie was okay, but not as good as that episode of Blue Heelers that you were in, the one where Maggie’s birthday gets spoiled by drugs. You were definitely the best bit about 300: Rise of an Empire.  Every time you were on screen, I shouted “Look, everybody! It’s David Wenham!” and then everyone was, like, “Oh yeah”. One person told me to shut up, because I think he didn’t know who you were, but then I explained that you were in Seachange, and I won the argument.

                I always get 300 mixed up with Lord of the Rings, because you were in that too, remember? You rode a horse. I remember being in the cinema thinking aloud, “Oh, look. David Wenham’s on a horse. He never did that in Seachange. He must have learnt how to do that since then.”  Shaun Micallef was in Seachange too. I expect he’s probably learnt how to ride a horse as well. Maybe you can get him a role in the next 300 movie?

                These are some questions I have.

1.       Do you reckon you could beat Russell Crowe in a battle?

2.       Do you have Russell Crowe’s phone number?

3.       What’s your favourite bird?

4.       Will they ever get round to making the 299 prequels to 300?

5.       Is Russell Crowe definitely real, or is it just you with dyed hair?

Thank you for reading my fan mail. I can’t wait to see ‘Force of Destiny’. That sounds like a movie where you’ll be on a horse!

Warm regards,

Tom