Tony Abbott

14^th April 2014

The Hon. Tony Abbott MP

PO Box 6022

House of Representatives

Parliament House

Canberra

ACT 2600

               

Dear Mr Abbott,

                Hello. I just wanted to write and say “Hello”, because I’ve heard all the horrible stuff that people say about you on the news. I think it must be hard. I don’t think people realise that your job is really hard. They probably don’t see all the emails you have to send, and all the phone calls to head office you make, and they probably never realise that even you have to fill up the urn in the coffee station every now and then.

                I imagine being Prime Minister is a lot like being Arsene Wenger. When Arsenal are doing well, it’s because the strikers are in form, or the opposition are completely inept. But when they’re doing badly, it’s because Wenger is a dick. It isn’t fair, really. Don’t worry though; there’ll probably be a March to have him fired soon, if he loses the FA Cup final.

                I think one of the key problems you’re having is people not liking your immigration policy. You’re probably quite stressed about this, but you needn’t be. I can think of another time that an unfairly disrespected leader was confronted by the threat of foreign invasion, only to rise up against his critics. It was in a movie called ‘Independence Day’. I know it’s just a movie, and you probably think it’s silly to take lessons from it, but if Bill Shorten can quote The Simpsons to not-quite prove a point, then surely you can take advice from one of the top selling movies of all time.

                The Independence Day President was having a bad time before that mothership arrived. But with really good bravery, he brought together the entire world. Below, I’ve made a three-point plan (I know how much you like plans presented in point form) that I think will make you as successful and celebrated as Bill Pullman (the man who played the Independence Day President).

1.       Be a war hero. The Independence Day President was an aircraft pilot in the air force. People thought he was a national hero. While learning to fly an RAAF plane is probably going to take a lot longer than your first term, you could probably just hang onto the back of one of those drones you brought from the US. If not, I’m sure you could join the Army Reserve in a non-combat role such as ‘Caterer’ or ‘Bard’ and people will still think you’re nice.

2.       Make friends with a minority. Part of the reason that Independence Day President was victorious was because of some help he received from a black man and a Jewish man. It might be worth including a non-white person in your cabinet to back you up. Julie Bishop doesn’t count by the way, because I checked with a mathematician and he explained that women aren’t technically a minority outside of the Coalition.

3.       Become a martyr. At the end of the movie, the foreign invasion is ultimately defeated when a crop-duster guy destroys the mothership via kamikaze attack. I’d suggest, at the end of your first term, you hang onto another drone and have it plunge headfirst into an incoming refugee boat, sacrificing your life for the greater good. I think this is your best chance for re-election.

I really hope this advice helps. I’m obviously not very good at politics, which is why I’m not one but I think I am nice. I think you must be nice because you have a nice looking family and stuff, and Joe Hockey seems to like you, and he’s on Sunrise sometimes so he must be nice too. And if you weren’t the best man for the job, why would most of the newspapers say that you are? I think you’re going to be okay.

 P.S. Could I have $900? The last guy gave me $900.

                Warmest regards.

                Tom

               

Karl Stefanovic

Friday April 4^th 2014

Karl Stefanovic

Today Show

PO Box 27

Willoughby

NSW 2068

               

Dear Karl,

I’m really upset, Karl. I’ll tell you why.

I send lots of letters to celebrities. I say nice stuff to them, like “Keep up the good work”, and “You’re the best”, and “Sam Armytage doesn’t have shit on you”, and stuff. I put a lot of thought and effort into writing to my idols. But you know what? Not a single one has replied.

I know, right? Like, they don’t have time to sit down and write a nice little message to make somebody’s world a bit brighter, like I do four or five times a day? It really sucks.

So what I thought was, I’ll Google “Nicest Man in Australia” and send a letter to them. Surely they’ll respond. Otherwise, they’ll not be the nicest man in Australia, and then I can at least write a letter to Google asking them to alter the search results.

Anyway, your name didn’t come up. If you type in “Nicest Man in Australia”, it comes up with the Good Guys website. I don’t see the point of sending a letter to them, because I don’t know which of them would end up reading it. It would be difficult to make it personal, and I imagine all they’re interested in talking about is whitegoods.

But my Mum likes you. She thinks you’re alright, and my Mum’s a pretty good judge of character. So I thought, “I know. I’ll send a letter to Karl Stefanovic from Channel Nine. He’ll definitely write back. That’s probably why he gets all the Logies”.

I realise that you’re probably busy a lot of the time, so I’ve made this as easy as possible. As well as including a self-addressed pre-paid envelope, I’ve even written most of your response for you on the second page of this letter. All you have to do is fill in the blank lines, stick it in the envelope, and give it to one of your slaves to post. It couldn’t be any easier, unless I turned up to your work to receive it (which I’m more than willing to do).

Kochie didn’t reply. This is your chance to knock him off his pedestal.

                Warmest regards.

                Tom

-----------------------------------------------------

Date: ________________

144 Gordon St,

Footscray

VIC 3011

Dear Tom,

Thank you for your letter. I get millions of letters a week, but yours stood out as the best. I really like the way you _____________________________________________________________.

Thank you for mentioning the Logies I won. I’m very proud of them. It’s very hard to win a Logie. Only a few people manage to do it each year. Having said that, I’d happily trade my Logie with you in exchange for ___________________________________________________________.

You also mentioned my arch nemesis, Dave Koch from Sunrise. I think he is a __________.

I better be off. I’ve got to think up some jokes for the show to make my co-host feel ______________. I’ve really enjoyed communicating with you. It’s nice to get fan mail. I hope this response makes you feel warm and fuzzy on the inside.  As a special treat, I’ve drawn a picture in the box below of what I think you might look like. 

That’ll be worth a lot someday. Make sure you get it laminated and keep it in the drawer by your bed so you can show your Mum when she visits.

Warmest regards,

Karl Stefanovic, Famous Man.

Adam Bandt MP

Friday April 4^th 2014

The Hon. Adam Bandt MP

280 King Street

Melbourne

VIC 3000

               

Dear Adam,

Hello. I recently sent a letter to David Feeney (He likes politics like you do). I found it very strange that he is the elected Member for Batman, and also the Shadow Minister for Justice. I thought to myself, “Well. David Feeney is clearly Batman”. I sent him a letter telling him that I now know this.

But then it got me thinking. “That’s too obvious,” I thought. If he really was the Batman, he’d have a far more clever disguise, much like Bruce Wayne has. And David Feeney, with all due respect, doesn’t look like he could be a Batman. If anything, he’d be better off as Alfred.

Speaking of Alfred, isn’t it funny how Michael Caine talks? How he says ‘Da’ instead of ‘The’. It’s because he’s a cockney from London. But I think you know what I’m getting at here.

The original Batman was called Adam West. Your first name is Adam. You also grew up in Adelaide, which is west of Melbourne, your electorate. Some people might think that’s just a coincidence, but I’ve done some digging around.

Bruce Wayne is famously a misunderstood humanitarian, with his company sponsoring orphanages and stuff. You’re part of the Greens, which is an entire organisation of humanitarians that a lot of people don’t understand. It all adds up.

Again, you’re probably going to shrug all this off and say, “It’s just a coincidence”, but as Commissioner Gordon said to Joseph “Not-Commissioner” Gordon-Levitt in Batman 3 “Coincidences aren’t real” (it wasn’t exactly that, but I don’t have the internet so I can’t look it up).

I put it to you, Adam Bandt, that you must be the Batman. “How does he know this?” you might ask. Well, I worked out your little code. Amongst all the other evidence, I worked out that your name is an anagram of ‘Da Batman’, which is exactly how Michael Caine would pronounce it! It doesn’t even make sense that you have a T after a D! That was the giveaway! You dropped the ball, Bandt! Or should I say, BRUCE WAYNE.

It’s okay though. I realise that Batman is a force for good and the city (Melbourne) needs you. It’ll be our little secret for now. Just don’t turn to the dark side, or I’ll have to tell the press.

Also, does this mean that Tony Abbott is Bane?

                Warmest regards.

                Tom