Shannon Noll*

Thursday 20th, March 2014

Shannon Noll

The Harbour Agency Pty. Ltd.

135 Forbes St

Woolloomooloo

NSW 2011

               

Dear Shannon ‘Millsy’ Noll,

                Hello. I hope you’re well, Shannon. I haven’t heard anything about you in a long time. The other day, I was listening to ‘Shine’, and I got to the bit where it goes, “This is the new National Anthem”, and I suddenly thought, “Hold up. What’s happened to Shannon?” It’s like, you’re anonymous now, but not quite totally anonymous, because I still hear you on the radio. I call this ‘Shannonymous’™.

                Do you still keep in touch with Ian ‘Dicko’ Dickson from Australian Idol? I met him once at a bookshop in Hawthorn. He was reading a book, but he never bought it. That’s a bit like stealing, I think. Stealing words. Because he probably still remembers them, even though he didn’t pay for them. Unless he immediately forgot them the second he walked out of shop. Then the whole matter would be ‘Noll and void’™. Next time you see him, say ‘Hey Dicko’, from me. It’s an in-joke.

                It must be really hard for Guy Sebastian, because his name is a word. Did you know he did a tour with Boyzone? Isn’t that funny? “Why’s that funny?” I hear you ask. Well, Shannoll™, it’s funny because ‘boy’ means ‘a male’ and a ‘zone’ is a place, and ‘Guy’ means ‘a male’ and ‘a bastion’ is a place. It was the ‘Male Place’ tour. Isn’t that funny? Nobody else noticed that. I did though, because I have lots of time. They could have performed at the ‘Gentleman’s Gallery’ on King St, once all the girls were finished for the night.

                Speaking of ‘Shine’, and that line that says, “This is the new national anthem”; Does it make you annoyed that it didn’t become the new national anthem? I like that song a lot. I certainly prefer it to the national anthem. Was that a clever marketing idea to try and get you steady work singing at the start of football games? It didn’t work, which is a shame. It must be a bit like how the Sex Pistols tried to rewrite ‘God Save the Queen’ and that didn’t catch on.

                Were you the Idol person who banged Nicole Ritchie? Or was it Paris Hilton? One of those two. I think it was Nicole Ritchie. Was she nice? I think she’d be nice. It was nice of you to bang her. Hey, you should do a collaboration with Lionel Ritchie. A musical one I mean, because I guess, if you did sleep with his daughter, then in a way you already have.

                Nighty-night.

                Warmest regards.

                Tom



REPLY

Shannon Noll replied. I got it on the 11th of April. Not only did he sign the 4x6 sample photo I found in an old frame, he even included an actual picture of him that he had lying around. Thanks, Nollsie!