the fan mail.: Karl Stefanovic

Friday April 4^th 2014

Karl Stefanovic

Today Show

PO Box 27

Willoughby

NSW 2068

Dear Karl,

I’m really upset, Karl. I’ll tell you why.

I send lots of letters to celebrities. I say nice stuff to them, like “Keep up the good work”, and “You’re the best”, and “Sam Armytage doesn’t have shit on you”, and stuff. I put a lot of thought and effort into writing to my idols. But you know what? Not a single one has replied.

I know, right? Like, they don’t have time to sit down and write a nice little message to make somebody’s world a bit brighter, like I do four or five times a day? It really sucks.

So what I thought was, I’ll Google “Nicest Man in Australia” and send a letter to them. Surely they’ll respond. Otherwise, they’ll not be the nicest man in Australia, and then I can at least write a letter to Google asking them to alter the search results.

Anyway, your name didn’t come up. If you type in “Nicest Man in Australia”, it comes up with the Good Guys website. I don’t see the point of sending a letter to them, because I don’t know which of them would end up reading it. It would be difficult to make it personal, and I imagine all they’re interested in talking about is whitegoods.

But my Mum likes you. She thinks you’re alright, and my Mum’s a pretty good judge of character. So I thought, “I know. I’ll send a letter to Karl Stefanovic from Channel Nine. He’ll definitely write back. That’s probably why he gets all the Logies”.

I realise that you’re probably busy a lot of the time, so I’ve made this as easy as possible. As well as including a self-addressed pre-paid envelope, I’ve even written most of your response for you on the second page of this letter. All you have to do is fill in the blank lines, stick it in the envelope, and give it to one of your slaves to post. It couldn’t be any easier, unless I turned up to your work to receive it (which I’m more than willing to do).

Kochie didn’t reply. This is your chance to knock him off his pedestal.

Warmest regards.

Tom

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Date: ________________

144 Gordon St,

Footscray

VIC 3011

Dear Tom,

Thank you for your letter. I get millions of letters a week, but yours stood out as the best. I really like the way you _____________________________________________________________.

Thank you for mentioning the Logies I won. I’m very proud of them. It’s very hard to win a Logie. Only a few people manage to do it each year. Having said that, I’d happily trade my Logie with you in exchange for ___________________________________________________________.

You also mentioned my arch nemesis, Dave Koch from Sunrise. I think he is a __________.

I better be off. I’ve got to think up some jokes for the show to make my co-host feel ______________. I’ve really enjoyed communicating with you. It’s nice to get fan mail. I hope this response makes you feel warm and fuzzy on the inside. As a special treat, I’ve drawn a picture in the box below of what I think you might look like.