14th April 2014
The Hon. Tony Abbott MP
PO Box 6022
House of Representatives
Parliament House
Canberra
ACT 2600
Dear Mr Abbott,
Hello. I just
wanted to write and say “Hello”, because I’ve heard all the horrible stuff that
people say about you on the news. I think it must be hard. I don’t think people
realise that your job is really hard. They probably don’t see all the emails
you have to send, and all the phone calls to head office you make, and they
probably never realise that even you have to fill up the urn in the coffee
station every now and then.
I imagine being
Prime Minister is a lot like being Arsene Wenger. When Arsenal are doing well,
it’s because the strikers are in form, or the opposition are completely inept.
But when they’re doing badly, it’s because Wenger is a dick. It isn’t fair,
really. Don’t worry though; there’ll probably be a March to have him fired soon, if he loses the FA Cup
final.
I think one of the
key problems you’re having is people not liking your immigration policy. You’re
probably quite stressed about this, but you needn’t be. I can think of another
time that an unfairly disrespected leader was confronted by the threat of foreign
invasion, only to rise up against his critics. It was in a movie called
‘Independence Day’. I know it’s just a movie, and you probably think it’s silly
to take lessons from it, but if Bill Shorten can quote The Simpsons to
not-quite prove a point, then surely you can take advice from one of the top
selling movies of all time.
The Independence
Day President was having a bad time before that mothership arrived. But with
really good bravery, he brought together the
entire world. Below, I’ve made a three-point plan (I know how much you like
plans presented in point form) that I think will make you as successful and celebrated
as Bill Pullman (the man who played the Independence Day President).
1.
Be a war
hero. The Independence Day President was an aircraft pilot in the air
force. People thought he was a national hero. While learning to fly an RAAF
plane is probably going to take a lot longer than your first term, you could
probably just hang onto the back of one of those drones you brought from the
US. If not, I’m sure you could join the Army Reserve in a non-combat role such
as ‘Caterer’ or ‘Bard’ and people will still think you’re nice.
2.
Make
friends with a minority. Part of the reason that Independence Day President
was victorious was because of some help he received from a black man and a
Jewish man. It might be worth including a non-white person in your cabinet to
back you up. Julie Bishop doesn’t count by the way, because I checked with a mathematician
and he explained that women aren’t technically a minority outside of the
Coalition.
3.
Become a
martyr. At the end of the movie, the foreign invasion is ultimately
defeated when a crop-duster guy destroys the mothership via kamikaze attack.
I’d suggest, at the end of your first term, you hang onto another drone and
have it plunge headfirst into an incoming refugee boat, sacrificing your life
for the greater good. I think this is your best chance for re-election.
I
really hope this advice helps. I’m obviously not very good at politics, which
is why I’m not one but I think I am nice. I think you must be nice because you
have a nice looking family and stuff, and Joe Hockey seems to like you, and
he’s on Sunrise sometimes so he must be nice too. And if you weren’t the best
man for the job, why would most of the newspapers say that you are? I think
you’re going to be okay.
P.S. Could I have $900? The last guy gave me $900.
Warmest regards.
Tom
